Having just returned from yet another chance to sample the delights of corporate USA I realise that I am turning into something of a wage slave.....and that all the quaffing of British Airways champers, dire though it may be, driving and sitting about to endless "business lunches" is not doing my midriff any good at all.....so venturing onto the old velo over the past weeks has been something of a relief....not to mention sartorial necessity.
Having been "sans velo" and rather too "surplus vino" (although anyone visiting Seattle simply must visit Zig Zag Cafe....the skilled Murray managed a "blood and sand" of simply epic quality...top hole indeed!) I felt the necessity to make up for lost time....never a good policy on the bike or in the bedroom.
Whether down to additional pounds, inappropriate attire (those new breeks were rather too clinging in the crotch and buttock areas) or the warmth of the days I know not but I began to suffer rather more than I care to acknowledge and it got me to thinking about the unsuitability of testicles for cycling......
Yes Ladies you did read that right......I said testicles.....but based upon the opinion that a gentleman should do nothing he could not talk about at dinner.....I think the subject still worthy of discussion.
I know not whether the female genitalia is better suited to the bicycle saddle or not...perhaps we could do a poll?....but the male scrotum and testis certainly are not. Now however fond of the reproductive value of keeping the sperm producing organ outside of the body, one might have thought that in our infinite scientific wisdom man might have found a better way of cycling than allowing his gonads to swing about like a veritable pendulum overheating and soiling a perfectly good pair of strides.
What might be the answer?.....perhaps one could have a procedure performed whereby they might be made detachable in warm weather......unscrewed and popped into a neat little saddle bag awaiting their masters dismounting.....featuring a quick release mechanism that might be handy for speedy replacement when necessity for fertilisation of comely maids becomes apparent......for surely they are no good to man nor beast on board of a bicycle? Alternatively why have not Brooks invented the "Scrotum Double 2 ball bath refrigerated saddle"....a neat and convenient way to keep yourself comfortable during the months of June to September?
For those of you who fear that I have fallen into the realm of fantasy just spend an afternoon in a close fitting pair of breeks, trundling along at an above average speed on an old clanker and then tell me I am mistaken in my viewpoint?.......no I think not!
So come along all you inventor chappies out there..... put you mind to it ......see how to air-condition my unmentionables while maintaining a sartorial style befitting a gentleman.....anybody mentioning "wicking" or "lycra" at this juncture really HAS missed the point!